who was that kid you killed?

There was a Little girl i knew, she had a world of her own. Of course, there was this physical world around her where her mom, dad, siblings existed, where there were schools, and parks, friends, and pets to play around. but she had this world of her own in her mind where she lived. She had dreams which she knew for sure were going to come to life one day. This little girl would sit in her bedroom after she came home from school and take her sketchbooks, pencils, and paints and would colour her heart out. She would draw, birds, and animals, butterflies, and beautiful girls. People loved what she drew. For them, they were 2-dimensional colourful images on paper but in her mind, she could see her drawings in a very different way. it was almost like seeing a colourful hologram pierce out of a 2 Dimensional sheet of paper, where the paintings could speak and sing and dance and flutter. Her flat drawings, in her mind, would look like a Disney movie, where everything was beautiful and colourful and everything came to life.

One day after she came back from school, she sat down in front of a blank canvas and began to paint. she didn't think what she wanted to draw, she didn't think of a particular image but yet every stroke was more perfect than the next, slowly and gracefully converging to build a flawless masterpiece.  And when she eventually finished painting, she stared proudly at her work and smiled. The dark blue sky, with tones and shades of blue, and the stars twinkled in the painting she drew. It was very much obvious that she had a gift, she knew she was an artist. she could feel it in every inch of her soul. This painting she drew, she was very proud of it and she couldn't wait to show it to the world. For a little girl who lived in her little imaginary world, she had no idea that what she considered, her life, meant just a hobby for people around. She wasn't aware that being an artist is difficult in this world. but her passion for art was immense and she couldn't think of doing anything other than this.

Days went by, so did months and years. Time flew. Things changed, everything seemed new. School happened. Then college did, and she realized there was no Art in Art stream. For the world, art truly was a time-passing hobby. she grew to like other things. Her interest in other streams grew. Forgotten by now what she truly was, there were other things she tried to pursue. You know how we do things just because our friends are doing it? We all have been there, we all have done that. She was anxious now than ever before. Sinking under the burden of expectations the world around put on her. Her little imaginary world seemed lost too. Returning home one day, it was quite late, the streets were empty and dark. the only companion she had with her was the moon, which guided her home with its rays. it looked as though the stars were twinkling just for her. there was a cold breeze which tickled her cheeks. Her heart felt happy. She smiled as she reached home. She had this sudden urge to paint something even though it was almost the mid of the night, her urge wouldn't soothe. She sat down in front of a blank canvas and began to paint. She didn't think what she wanted to draw, She didn't think of a particular image but yet every stroke was more perfect than the next, slowly and gracefully converging to build a flawless masterpiece. When she eventually finished painting, she stared proudly at her work and smiled. All of a sudden, she started laughing and frantically started searching for something. Under her bed, in the corner, there was a box, all dusty and stained. She quickly opened the box and there, there was. 'The dark blue sky, with tones and shades of blue, and the stars twinkled in the painting she drew when she was 8 years old. Tears filled her eyes as she realized what she had been forgetting under the burden of the world around.

we try to fit in, we go after what may profit us more and the world around us, that we forget who we truly are and what our hearts truly desire. under the peer pressure of friends or say, family, we pursue things which we truly may not be happy doing. There is always a little girl/boy inside us who wanted to be, who wanted to do something other than what we are doing with our lives right now. the little boy, or a girl we killed unknowingly trying to be someone we are not. so today lets remember that little boy/ girl and do what he/she wanted to do.

This story is loosely based on me. I am Manisha. as my resume headline reads, "An Artist by soul and a ____________ by profession. (fill in the blank with whatever you do as a profession, whatever,... fill in the blank and comment down below) So you can see, who was that little kid you killed before you became who you are now?.

An Ultimate Truth or a Dying Truth?

                       What is the Ultimate truth of this universe? As every person have their own perspective on what exactly the universe is, how exactly life works and what exactly life itself is, The truth may vary from person to person. But i am talking about the Ultimate truth of the universe. Should that be the same for everyone? Is it necessary for everyone to agree with it? I don't know, so let's find out. 

For me, the Utmost Truth or The Ultimate Truth of the universe is, "All that lives, must perish".

Obviously, no one in the world is immortal and nothing is going to be here forever. Everything that is in the world is with an expiry date. Be that, Humans, flora or fauna, Materialistic things or Emotions. Everything includes in that above-written quote. We are born, we live, we Die. We create things, we use them, they wear off, i.e., they die, we dump them. We develop bonds and emotions, we love, we care, sometimes for a few months or years and sometime till we die, and as we die, everything with it is dead. If great enough, a generation or 2 may remember but as life goes on, everything is forgotten, everything expires.

So should we stop doing what we are doing only because it is not going to last forever? Obviously, it does not mean you should stop living, right? For a lot of people, acquiring everything they can put their hands on is living. What are we even going to do with all that material things we collect after we are gone? Some may say, it is for the upcoming generations so they don't have to worry about their financial needs. We worry about the future soo much that i doubt we are hardly living. There's nothing bad in thinking about the future and making the lives of our upcoming generations a bit easier but do we really think the upcoming generation is going to be so naive that it won't be able to do good for itself? 

Why am i talking about this is because, we are stuck soo deep in this cycle where money is the priority, and everything that comes after that is connected with it. 1 house, 2 houses, not enough, 3 Houses, farmhouse, row house, villas, bungalows, one at this place, one at that, and when do we visit there? Once a year or not even that. We are soo blinded by the greed of owning everything our eyes lay on. It's like there is this invisible blindfold around our eyes, made of paper cash. We are soo blinded with greed to buy all, that we are stuck in that cycle where we acquire a lot of things but hardly use them and by the time we are really wanting to use them is when we are tired of old age or whatsoever reasons. We are no longer left with the energy to use them. 

As i said before, i believe "All that lives, Must perish" We have forgotten that it is the truth. What we own, acquire, our greeds, our materialistic wants and desires, won't join us on our death bed and soon even those things will perish. Acquiring 4 flats, 5cars, and a really expensive chandelier when you can't even sit for half an hour and talk with your kids, or take your dog for a walk, or just drive in one of those car to the countryside and enjoy what is bestowed upon us by nature, when we can't even really help those in actual need, when soo many people in this world are homeless and dying from the lack of hygiene and food.. then what is the use of all that you have acquired? Just to satisfy your wants? Is that really living? 

Yes, All that lives, must perish but not humanity. We have everything in this world. People are becoming rich and richer. Weirdass houses, Gold cars, Gold clothes, gold toilet seats! i don't even know how people come up with such ideas when around them while they are acquiring everything, They are losing humanity slowly and steadily. No I'm absolutely not saying you buying expensive things is wrong and that is the cause of lost humanity. What I'm saying is we are blinded by Materialistic world soo much that we lose the value of what really is important. Big countries fighting with each other. Terrorism. The egoist wants to acquire a particular place or region. Killing each other. Borders. This is my country. This is your country. This is my state and that is your state. We, humans, are so petite in front of this planet and the universe beyond. But our greed is humongous than the milky way and Andromeda galaxies combine.

Well as i was writing this it suddenly clicked to me that i even believe in, Live and Let live and all of a sudden I'm not sure anymore what the ultimate truth of the universe is. Well, that's true, innit? Every person with its own unique perspective on things and we are in billions. So billions of perspectives. Anyway, this was my take on "The ultimate truth".

What according to you is the ultimate truth of this universe?

For the Artists...

                                                                                               ©Manisha Tulaskar

                       An Artist. I have always been an artist even when I was very little. As a kid, my mind always wandered off in the reverie.  I was always more curious about what lies beyond this physical and onerous existence. For a little kid that I was, it was too much of a burden the way art made me feel.. I never understood how one could put up an exhibition and let people come and judge their art (I am being a hypocrite here, Because even i want to put up an exhibition of my Art. My Naive mind couldn't understand exhibitions then). I never understood why people always had an opinion on which art is good and which is not. I never understood why certain paintings were sold for millions while others were devalued or not even considered art. I remember taking part in drawing competitions and winning them. I never understood why what I drew in school was ranked number 1 and what my Friends painted was number two or three or sometimes not considered good enough to be given any ranks (Really why do we even have competitions?) I don't mean to flaunt but I always felt if what is drawn on the paper is making the artist feel good and it's comforting him then who are we to judge?

Well, obviously the world doesn't run in accordance with my perception. Growing up I already knew the world was vile. I never understood the race everyone was running, in this realm. I always felt otherworldly, lost in my own reverie as I said before. I grew up. I pursued Art, film-making and Animation, only to find that Art was already lost somewhere in the past, amidst this race for popularity. Everyone appallingly judging Art as though it was supposed to be Perfect and comforting to all. I recently read this quote "Art should Disturb the comfortable and comfort the Disturbed." I feel the Art you are looking at should stimulate your Mind and Soul. Not everyone's art is going to please you and not everyone thrives for perfection as a lot of artists find beauty in their unfinished work or their sorrowest painting. What Art is to you, it may not mean the same to some other person or what it means to him and what he sees in it, you may not even be the closest to guess.

Well, Why am I writing this? Because I was about to post a sketch I did last year on Instagram. I cropped the sketch, angled it properly and it was time for the caption. I couldn't help but think, what would my followers make of it? How would they see it? What would it mean to them? What message may my art convey to them looking through their perspective? How would it make them feel? Wait! These questions were absolutely not the reason I'm writing this post. The real reason actually is, I felt, either my art would get judged or no one would really have time to actually see beyond what lies in front of them. i don't think millennials understand Art (no offence, Sorry), But Art is not only two taps and red hearts on Instagram. Art and the artist shouldn't be judged by how many followers or likes they have. This doesn't only apply to Art but everything actually.

 We, all of us are so eager to get thousands and millions of followers. We are so eager to get seen that we forget the value of things. Anyway, we were talking about Art so let's stick to the topic. We can talk about girls stripping for followers in maybe some other post. Well, Do you think I'm being a hypocrite again? *sighs* Yes, Even i have accounts on social media. there was a time i was completely obsessed with certain sites, posting every day, updating every day, but the addiction has faded now. and NO I am not saying those who still do these things shouldn't do it. Your life, your wish. Anyway, we were talking about Art. A lot of different people have a lot of different things to say about Art and A lot of people think that what they think of Art is the utmost truth and their way is the right way. Maybe this Painting shouldn't have been this way, it would've looked more beautiful if this or that was done, Maybe the Artist should've used this colour instead of that. We all act as if we understand Art. I truly believe out of all the things in the world, Art is that one thing which is beyond our normal understanding. What goes through an artist's mind while painting a certain Painting is beyond our understanding unless the artist describes what he exactly was going through while painting it, word by word. But that's not possible you see. You don't Describe Art, you don't just see art. You feel it, in your soul, to the core of your bones.

 These days Artists don't make Art, Money makes Art and Art makes Money. These days it's just a decorative item hanging in your living room which you hardly have time to look at. Art is judged upon how many followers and likes you have, not that there are a lot of artists with millions of followers but you sure will find millions of so-called models with millions of Followers. I have nothing against anyone and I don't mean to spread hate. I just want people to look at art without thinking how much money it will make. Keep aside the flaws and try to connect and feel what you look at. Don't just see Art. look at it. Feel it.  Get lost in a world which, that particular art will take you without you trying to force yourself. Value Art. Stop judging. Don't be in a race. Be yourself, at least when you paint. Don't think about which colors may be pleasant to look at, for your followers. Use colors you feel connected to. Don't try to copy someone's genre of art just because they have more followers than you. These sites and the followers will perish one day. Your Art will Live forever, Just follow your Heart Through Art.  

A Stranger to Myself.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. I have been going through a lot lately. Many times there were posts related to my mental health but a lot of time I kept myself in isolation.

I've always tried to hide my depression and my mental health-related problems. It's been something I have become quite good at doing. My struggles have been dealt with in silence and with a smiling face. While there are people in my life who know what I go through, I am very good at putting on the 'I'm ok' face and just going through the emotions. However, all the events since the last 1-2 months lead me to realise that I can no longer do that. It is not only hurting me but those around me. And as I feel as though the walls are closing in, I am less able to put on the brave face that has always masked my inner struggles and pain. 

I always self-harmed.  Cutting was the only go to solution for me. In all honesty, I'm terrified to die. And I do or I did what I did with my body was because I wanted the thoughts in my head to stop and I thought that this was my only option. Now as I look at the scars on my hand and as I think back, it was almost an out of body experience. Like someone else was doing it and I was just the puppet. I got the help I needed. I regularly started going to the hospital and took medicines. Yet the emptiness I felt never went away.

Last year went well. I was enjoying work, planning a trip to north India. actively participating in social activities, making new friends, working hard, finding love, feeling settled. But the last month hit me like a tornado. I could see all that was dreamt of go in vain. I could see myself breaking down. I knew something was shutting down in my mind. I tried to put on a happy mask. I was able to talk about it with my friends. I never knew soon it was going to be so overwhelming though. I isolated myself. I quit going out. I quit talking with my loved ones. I don't want my Mental health to define me though. In the last 4 weeks, I have been faced with challenges. Not knowing if I could concentrate and focus on my job, I couldn't feel at home in my own house, yet wouldn't let myself go out, my self-esteem and confidence dropping to zero, not able to face the crowd, my social activities were becoming less, I completely isolated myself. It all happened at once, everything that seemed fine was becoming harder and harder to deal with. And then all of a sudden I just couldn't deal with it. I shut off. I took myself away from the world and put up all the walls really high. 

I had previously broken down but it was never this intense. Maybe what I'm going through now is all the build-up which was longing to explode. As I look at myself in the mirror all I see is a stranger staring back. I am completely disconnected from the person staring back. My abilities to have conversations are clouded and I often don't even know what I say. 'Well, clearly you need to get out more' My friends say. Don't you think I know that? I always think to myself.

I laugh uncontrollably then cry the same. I feel exhausted after spending time with people. I can't fall asleep without thinking something is staring back at me from the corner of my room. I always feel followed. I always feel this eeriness. Talking to a friend I said 'I just want it to end'. I did. I meant it. But I didn't want my life to end, I wanted the thoughts to end. It's not that I want to die so early. I feel there is soo much more to see yet. still sometimes when the thoughts overwhelm and you can't help but feel this way. This feeling I can't explain. All you want is to end it. Your life, This feeling it doesn't matter at that moment. 

As I lay in my bed trying not to overthink it brings me here on my blog. As much as I feel like I am alone in my struggles, I know I'm not. Yet, I'm not ready to go out there and try to be normal or act normal or act as socially appropriate. My heart still races until I can't breathe anymore and mind still gets dizzy in a crowded place. But being able to unload here brings me at least some kind of peace. I don't want to do this alone anymore. I don't want to be a stranger to myself. I need help.