A Stranger to Myself.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. I have been going through a lot lately. Many times there were posts related to my mental health but a lot of time I kept myself in isolation.

I've always tried to hide my depression and my mental health-related problems. It's been something I have become quite good at doing. My struggles have been dealt with in silence and with a smiling face. While there are people in my life who know what I go through, I am very good at putting on the 'I'm ok' face and just going through the emotions. However, all the events since the last 1-2 months lead me to realise that I can no longer do that. It is not only hurting me but those around me. And as I feel as though the walls are closing in, I am less able to put on the brave face that has always masked my inner struggles and pain. 

I always self-harmed.  Cutting was the only go to solution for me. In all honesty, I'm terrified to die. And I do or I did what I did with my body was because I wanted the thoughts in my head to stop and I thought that this was my only option. Now as I look at the scars on my hand and as I think back, it was almost an out of body experience. Like someone else was doing it and I was just the puppet. I got the help I needed. I regularly started going to the hospital and took medicines. Yet the emptiness I felt never went away.

Last year went well. I was enjoying work, planning a trip to north India. actively participating in social activities, making new friends, working hard, finding love, feeling settled. But the last month hit me like a tornado. I could see all that was dreamt of go in vain. I could see myself breaking down. I knew something was shutting down in my mind. I tried to put on a happy mask. I was able to talk about it with my friends. I never knew soon it was going to be so overwhelming though. I isolated myself. I quit going out. I quit talking with my loved ones. I don't want my Mental health to define me though. In the last 4 weeks, I have been faced with challenges. Not knowing if I could concentrate and focus on my job, I couldn't feel at home in my own house, yet wouldn't let myself go out, my self-esteem and confidence dropping to zero, not able to face the crowd, my social activities were becoming less, I completely isolated myself. It all happened at once, everything that seemed fine was becoming harder and harder to deal with. And then all of a sudden I just couldn't deal with it. I shut off. I took myself away from the world and put up all the walls really high. 

I had previously broken down but it was never this intense. Maybe what I'm going through now is all the build-up which was longing to explode. As I look at myself in the mirror all I see is a stranger staring back. I am completely disconnected from the person staring back. My abilities to have conversations are clouded and I often don't even know what I say. 'Well, clearly you need to get out more' My friends say. Don't you think I know that? I always think to myself.

I laugh uncontrollably then cry the same. I feel exhausted after spending time with people. I can't fall asleep without thinking something is staring back at me from the corner of my room. I always feel followed. I always feel this eeriness. Talking to a friend I said 'I just want it to end'. I did. I meant it. But I didn't want my life to end, I wanted the thoughts to end. It's not that I want to die so early. I feel there is soo much more to see yet. still sometimes when the thoughts overwhelm and you can't help but feel this way. This feeling I can't explain. All you want is to end it. Your life, This feeling it doesn't matter at that moment. 

As I lay in my bed trying not to overthink it brings me here on my blog. As much as I feel like I am alone in my struggles, I know I'm not. Yet, I'm not ready to go out there and try to be normal or act normal or act as socially appropriate. My heart still races until I can't breathe anymore and mind still gets dizzy in a crowded place. But being able to unload here brings me at least some kind of peace. I don't want to do this alone anymore. I don't want to be a stranger to myself. I need help.