A closure

What would the world be without it having to cope with depression? I read somewhere, it's feeling like you are trapped, like when you are standing in the balcony of a very high building and looking down to feel terrorized by the fear of falling. In that moment you feel fear because you have the choice of backing up. Just two steps behind and you know your heart will stop with the anxious feeling. But depression is like, on that very same floor in that very same building but with no option to go back because there are flames of fire burning down everything in it's way and soon it will burn you down too. The terror of falling and the terror of slowly burning down till your bones to death. What do you choose? Depression is like standing there in between those two terrors, not able to get your mind to work, thinking of any chances you may have of getting out alive or having to jump. Depression is that 10 seconds of thinking while you are standing in between those two terrors, that feeling of near death, the extreme emotions, the breathlessness, those thoughts, the only thing is depression is not 10 seconds of decision making, it stays for life. The terror stays for life.

It snuck in again and it made a warm cozy bed in my darkened heart, i think it is going to stay. Why do i ever let it stay? Why do i make it feel at home? Maybe because it was the only emotional state that has never left me even when everything other did. You may have read finding comfort in sadness, it's the same, the comfort has only turned to lust, cravings, and the greed to feel sad. My mental state is taking a toll on me. I'm forgetting things, I'm hurt and I'm hurting people around, I'm isolating, I'm scared, but more importantly I'm content. Being content isn't a bad thing but being content with your worst self sure is. People who are not content strive for good. People who are content are okay with being where they are and how they are, and my mental and emotional state at the moment is not at all okay to be where i am. 

I have not written anything on my blog for a while now, there were two factors for it. One being i was writing a horror story, which i havent completed yet. I wanted to post it but it's incomplete and my mind is not in a state of writing anything further at the moment and the second factor being, i was too lost to write anything. You know that quote? That quote, I'm not able to exactly remember it but i l tell you whatever parts i do, it goes something like, i wanted to write the exact emotions i was feeling, but the paper stayed empty and there was no other way i could have described it better, something like that. The same thing happened with me and my blog. Several times i opened this app, i opened a new document, but everytime i wanted to write, my mind seemed lost. I couldn't come up with words i thought could explain how exactly i was feeling. Maybe today i was too overwhelmed and i just couldnt see the paper empty. A lot of people ask me, why do you vent out in public like this? Why do you share your inner most emotions out here like this. A lot of them even msg me saying, "thank you for that post, because it was exactly how i was feeling and i couldnt tell anyone. But reading it gave me some kinda closure maybe and I'm feeling a little better". You know you surf the internet or your social media platforms, you see stuff, you read stuff in your spare time, why do you do it? A lot of people like myself love reading quotes. We edit quotes on our pictures and post it on our social medias. To express, we post pictures of ourselves, we share things we find interesting, why do we do that? Well if you know why, then that is the exact same feeling i get when i share things here. A feeling of being heard, by someone, anyone, to feel not as lonely as we feel, to connect, to assure your heart there are people out there who read, write, see, share, accept, criticize, or whatever it is. To feel you are not alone. To feel heard.

Well, clearly this post started off with depression related topic and i really have no idea where i am heading. Maybe this is what it exactly is like, right? To not know what is going to happen. To not know what you may or may not feel the next moment. I really have no idea what I'm gona say next or what I'm going do next. I just know one thing, i don't care where i go, i don't care where i am, what i do, if i l lose hope or not, if i l be able to cope with it and move on, if I l b able to live past it or not. I dont know if I'm gona make it. I only know, if there are people out there, struggling with depression, thinking they wont be fine, they wont make it out alive, just remember no one is gona anyway, depression or not. I'm here if you wanna talk, and I'm leaving a link below where you may talk and express and find help maybe.. Just.. Hang on there.. Coz i know i am.

Link for help with depression 

https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=IN

Take care

The Death of a birthday

       My Birthday's lurking around the corner and i can't help but feel emptier than ever. You know how when it's your birthday, you make plans, you go for birthday shopping, you do soo many things, you pamper yourself, you gather your friends around and plan. These things have always being so difficult for me to do. I tend to push people away. I never had plans, i never do, i don't have a large number of friends, and i dont want to. All the year long these things don't matter, but when it's my birthday month, my heart starts sinking deeper and deeper in the barrenness of my heart. I start to think, is it even necessary to have a grand celebration, forget about grand, why even celebrate? Yes, because i was born, Duh! *rolls eyes*

I don't know, with all these blog posts written earlier, you guys by now know, my mind is wired differently, my perception of things is way different than the world around me. It's obviously good to be different but being different always comes with a cost. I don't take pleasure in things the world may find pleasurable, i don't like things the world may like, i dont find peace in the things usually other people find. My mind, my heart are constantly at war with each other, a whole different level of emptiness and darkness lurks in my soul. 

I wish things were different, i wish i was, but i can't help but push people away, sometimes the people that matter the most to me, the people i would give my life for, i have always pushed everyone away. As each day turns simply into tomorrow and my birthday getting closer by every day that passes. I am simply falling deeper into this never ending maze in my mind, not sure if i will wake up from this nightmare called life, or i will sink and fade away.

If only we had wings...?

   Were you ever out with your Family/Friends on a vacation? Everyone around was happy , enjoying. Sure you did enjoy too, still there was this emptiness lurking in the corner of your heart. You did smile, did run from place to place in the arms of nature and when you stopped, the whole world seemed a little darker, the air in your lungs heavier than before, eyes searching for that one ray of light. The serenity piercing your ears. The depth of the valleys making your heart throb louder than ever. The orange tint of the sky taking away your sense of belonging. The cold breeze making you want to sleep forever in the arms of the surrounded nature.

Suddenly you hear a voice of your friend or a family member telling you how beautiful the scenery in front of your eyes is. Before they finish their sentence you already know, they dont see what you are seeing, they dont feel what you are feeling. when they are feeling a sense of accomplishment, you feel the darkness reside deeper in your heart. The eeriness aching your heart with every breath you take. 

Obviously you go out to avoid your scheduled life. To feel one with nature, to relax, to breathe, but everytime you are out in nature, in peace, your heart sinks deeper than that it does When surrounded by the traffic of the city. You start missing that one person you wish you had by your side in that moment. You feel your heart heavy with the emptiness of your surrounding. You breathe longer, deeper only to feel breathless over and over again.

You know when your family and friends, they go to the right screaming, "Wow, Look how high on the mountain top we are, look how deep the valley is", and you just go to the left side of the mountain, gazing far into the purple tinted sky, with cold breeze on your cheeks and foggy eyes staring into the nothingness. The screams, the giggles, the voices slowly fading as you walk on the other side alone with only birds and insects chirping and singing the sweet melody of nature, while the sky turns darker every moment, from sky blue, to yellow, to orange, to purple and the sun sinking slowly in the arms of the horizon, resting, and dimming it's glow.

We go away, try to escape from our day to day life by cuddling in the arms of nature, by climbing high mountains, and peeking into the deep valleys, submerging ourselves into huge waves of the ocean or just by watching the sun set as the darkness engulps the sky. We go miles away from our home to find peace which we search in the highest of mountains with lowest of altitudes, in the deepest of valleys with the highest waterfall, the greens of the earth soothing our eyes, the blues of the sky calming our minds. We search for serenity, we search for peace, we chase birds flying, up high in the sky thinking, wishing, if only we had wings. 

Do write and let me know in the comments down below what are your opinions on this blogpost. I would love to hear what you have to say. Share it with your friends and family if you think you relate to this post. 

Thank you for reading 💜

CONGRATS 1K VIEWS GAME FOR READERS

Hello fellas, thank you for soo much of love and on account of my blog reaching more than 1000 views in just one month or so... let us play a game. So this blogpost is either going to be super awesome or just plain pathetic with no response whatsoever. I can just wish and hope to get responses. So guys comment... Please. 

Anyway, i have a little game today for everyone reading this. Everytime i post something. I am the one writing through my perspective. I never really know, Even after keeping a track on the views and comments and responses, on each post to see which content my readers are most interested in, and so that i dont bore them with my next post, i can't really get into your minds and write through your perspective. 

Today, here's a chance for you guys to express yourselves. All you will have to do is write in the comments section on this post. How? 

Well, I am going to write One single or 2 max lines/ sentences and you guys will have to continue writing further. Rules are: you can write, minimum 1 sentence and miximum 2 sentences not more than that. 

So it will go this way...

• I will write something.
• Then another person will write something rhyming or relating to what i have written.
• Then the 3rd person will write something relating to the topic the 1st and 2nd person wrote.
• Then the 4th person will continue to write, keepin in mind his/her sentences match the 3rd 2nd 1st.
• Then 5th
• 6th
• 7th
• And soooo on...

Once a poem or a proper paragraph is made with atleast 10 sentences. I will edit this same post and put the whole poem on this blog. If you want to write anonymously. You can do so.. Or if you want me to give you a shout out even that can be arranged. 

So heres what i will do. If you don't want people to know who you are. You comment anonymously(as long as you are not logged in on blogger your name wont be visible. So feel free to comment anyone who is shy). And if you want me to give you a shoutout on instagram and facebook, leave your Username with your one or 2 liners in the comment.

Here are my Lines:

A mind full of unsaid things,

A life full of unfulfilled dreams,

A soul, that is old a million decades,

A heart...

............... Continue this poem in the comment section. Come on guys we can do it... 💜