A closure

What would the world be without it having to cope with depression? I read somewhere, it's feeling like you are trapped, like when you are standing in the balcony of a very high building and looking down to feel terrorized by the fear of falling. In that moment you feel fear because you have the choice of backing up. Just two steps behind and you know your heart will stop with the anxious feeling. But depression is like, on that very same floor in that very same building but with no option to go back because there are flames of fire burning down everything in it's way and soon it will burn you down too. The terror of falling and the terror of slowly burning down till your bones to death. What do you choose? Depression is like standing there in between those two terrors, not able to get your mind to work, thinking of any chances you may have of getting out alive or having to jump. Depression is that 10 seconds of thinking while you are standing in between those two terrors, that feeling of near death, the extreme emotions, the breathlessness, those thoughts, the only thing is depression is not 10 seconds of decision making, it stays for life. The terror stays for life.

It snuck in again and it made a warm cozy bed in my darkened heart, i think it is going to stay. Why do i ever let it stay? Why do i make it feel at home? Maybe because it was the only emotional state that has never left me even when everything other did. You may have read finding comfort in sadness, it's the same, the comfort has only turned to lust, cravings, and the greed to feel sad. My mental state is taking a toll on me. I'm forgetting things, I'm hurt and I'm hurting people around, I'm isolating, I'm scared, but more importantly I'm content. Being content isn't a bad thing but being content with your worst self sure is. People who are not content strive for good. People who are content are okay with being where they are and how they are, and my mental and emotional state at the moment is not at all okay to be where i am. 

I have not written anything on my blog for a while now, there were two factors for it. One being i was writing a horror story, which i havent completed yet. I wanted to post it but it's incomplete and my mind is not in a state of writing anything further at the moment and the second factor being, i was too lost to write anything. You know that quote? That quote, I'm not able to exactly remember it but i l tell you whatever parts i do, it goes something like, i wanted to write the exact emotions i was feeling, but the paper stayed empty and there was no other way i could have described it better, something like that. The same thing happened with me and my blog. Several times i opened this app, i opened a new document, but everytime i wanted to write, my mind seemed lost. I couldn't come up with words i thought could explain how exactly i was feeling. Maybe today i was too overwhelmed and i just couldnt see the paper empty. A lot of people ask me, why do you vent out in public like this? Why do you share your inner most emotions out here like this. A lot of them even msg me saying, "thank you for that post, because it was exactly how i was feeling and i couldnt tell anyone. But reading it gave me some kinda closure maybe and I'm feeling a little better". You know you surf the internet or your social media platforms, you see stuff, you read stuff in your spare time, why do you do it? A lot of people like myself love reading quotes. We edit quotes on our pictures and post it on our social medias. To express, we post pictures of ourselves, we share things we find interesting, why do we do that? Well if you know why, then that is the exact same feeling i get when i share things here. A feeling of being heard, by someone, anyone, to feel not as lonely as we feel, to connect, to assure your heart there are people out there who read, write, see, share, accept, criticize, or whatever it is. To feel you are not alone. To feel heard.

Well, clearly this post started off with depression related topic and i really have no idea where i am heading. Maybe this is what it exactly is like, right? To not know what is going to happen. To not know what you may or may not feel the next moment. I really have no idea what I'm gona say next or what I'm going do next. I just know one thing, i don't care where i go, i don't care where i am, what i do, if i l lose hope or not, if i l be able to cope with it and move on, if I l b able to live past it or not. I dont know if I'm gona make it. I only know, if there are people out there, struggling with depression, thinking they wont be fine, they wont make it out alive, just remember no one is gona anyway, depression or not. I'm here if you wanna talk, and I'm leaving a link below where you may talk and express and find help maybe.. Just.. Hang on there.. Coz i know i am.

Link for help with depression 

https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=IN

Take care