The Death of a birthday

       My Birthday's lurking around the corner and i can't help but feel emptier than ever. You know how when it's your birthday, you make plans, you go for birthday shopping, you do soo many things, you pamper yourself, you gather your friends around and plan. These things have always being so difficult for me to do. I tend to push people away. I never had plans, i never do, i don't have a large number of friends, and i dont want to. All the year long these things don't matter, but when it's my birthday month, my heart starts sinking deeper and deeper in the barrenness of my heart. I start to think, is it even necessary to have a grand celebration, forget about grand, why even celebrate? Yes, because i was born, Duh! *rolls eyes*

I don't know, with all these blog posts written earlier, you guys by now know, my mind is wired differently, my perception of things is way different than the world around me. It's obviously good to be different but being different always comes with a cost. I don't take pleasure in things the world may find pleasurable, i don't like things the world may like, i dont find peace in the things usually other people find. My mind, my heart are constantly at war with each other, a whole different level of emptiness and darkness lurks in my soul. 

I wish things were different, i wish i was, but i can't help but push people away, sometimes the people that matter the most to me, the people i would give my life for, i have always pushed everyone away. As each day turns simply into tomorrow and my birthday getting closer by every day that passes. I am simply falling deeper into this never ending maze in my mind, not sure if i will wake up from this nightmare called life, or i will sink and fade away.