Dealing with Depression, symptoms and solutions #3

     Ba ba Black sheep 

      have You any guilt?

     Yes sir, yes sir,  

       a whole life's worth of it.  

      Ba ba black sheep 

       do you feel worthless? 

      Yes sir, yes sir,  

       and also helpless. 

  

         I always felt like the black sheep of my family. You know the odd one out. I was always told that I am extra sensitive, extra dramatic, extra reactive and I should calm down. I never understood really why was I told that because in my brain, the reactions, and the way I behaved, seemed normal. A lot of times, I felt guilty and it didn't really matter who was at fault. After fighting, screaming, crying, at the end of the day, when I lied down in my bed, I hugged my pillow tight, and silently cried with an aching throat as I blamed myself for everything that was in my control and also that which wasn't in my control. I would even think, "why was I even born? I don't want to live anymore. I just want to escape, die perhaps, but not be alive or be here. I just wanted to stop. Just stop". My brain sometimes couldn't even comprehend it's own thoughts. I felt worthless of anything in this world, I felt as if I didn't even deserve living on this planet. I felt suicidal, I felt helpless, and I made myself believe that no matter what I do, it will always be worthless in the eye of others. I felt as if I didn't matter. I know that Matter is anything that occupies space and has mass, my brain is cracking science jokes as I write this emotional post. I am silly and cracking silly jokes is just my brain's mechanism dealing with emotional stuff. Anyway, let's talk about today's topic in-depth.

Symptom #3

Guilt, worthlessness and helplessness are some of the symptoms of depression and it is also our 3rd topic today. Now before we move on, take a minute and think, have you ever being guilty of something? Anything? And how long has the guilt lasted? Frankly, we all feel guilty every now and then, but for a healthy brain, guilt works as a positive thing, motivating the person to do good things and avoid bad things. A healthy brain can usually and unconsciously make a person make good choices, and help them avoid being a target of self-loathing. Whereas a chemically imbalanced brain such as mine makes me feel culpable than that of others. In my personal experience, even the little things I didn't do or I did which didn't even lead to any bad consequences or didn't even affect anyone's or my life has made me feel guilty. 

The guilt in a person suffering from depression doesn't necessarily is there because of something major. It accompanies the feeling of worthlessness and helplessness, then it becomes a trap holding the person back from happiness. Guilt steals the joy out of your life and makes it difficult for you to even make the simplest of decisions. For example, I don't like public gatherings or big crowds, even a family get together with a lot of relatives and members seems frightening and exhausting to me, and when I have to attend, I am very stiff, it seems as if I have a huge wall around me, I may seem arrogant and distanced, and only talk to one or two people I feel most comfortable with, also I am always very defensive, now this is if I attend any gatherings if I don't then I will feel guilty. I may not feel guilty at first but as the day will pass, I may be doing other things, but my mind will somehow be circulating around the gathering or the get together i missed out and it will keep me away from fully dedicating myself to the in-hand task.

Okay, let me explain it to you this way. Imagine a graph, there are two lines on the graph with zig-zag pattern one above( growth rate a bit faster) and one below(growth rate a bit slower) but they both r going upwards, the line above is of happiness, let's say it's the get-together line we were talking about earlier. And the line below is of other activities I would do if I miss out on the get-together. But people with depression who suffer from immense guilt are neither on the line above nor on the line below, but somehow stuck in the middle portion. The grey zone. They can't really join the line above neither can they focus on the line below. This usually eats up the positive energy and drive of the person, which will make them feel helpless and worthless. Now you may ask then why not just go to the gathering? I have already explained it to you how people with depression may feel in such a situation when I gave you an example in the above paragraph.

Have you ever seen an elephant tied up with chains around its leg? A puny chain attached to a wooden or metal, stump or a nail in the ground. Do you really think a 4000-kilogram elephant cannot break out of that chain? it's obvious that it is not the chain that is holding the elephant in place. You see, they are tied up in one place with those chains since the elephant is just a calf. As a calf to break out of the metal chain is quite difficult. A calf tries to break free of the chains a lot of times and fail. Over time as the calf grows to become this huge elephant, it's mind is already manipulated in thinking that the chains are unbreakable. Obviously, human minds and this situation the elephants are in are two different things. Human minds are quite complex but I gave you this elephant example because we humans tend to fall prey to a similar manipulation by our own mind, which in psychology is called, 'Learned helplessness'. 

It is one of the most maddening and the most miserable state of our brains. It is when you are stuck in a situation but you don't even try to escape it even when you know a way out. To explain it in an easy way, I'm pretty sure at least once, everyone must have heard someone saying, "boht hasra tha na, isliye abhi aisa hua", (the reason that something bad happened is because earlier you were laughing a lot). Now saying this once, doesn't really affect anyone, but experiencing the same situation a couple of times and hearing it from everyone over and over, your mind tends to believe it. A lot of times I feel, I shouldn't really be happy, I shouldn't really be laughing, and most of the time, after I have laughed a lot when the sadness hits, it hits hard, the hurt is felt deeper and your brain falls prey to the illogic that it is because I was soo happy earlier that I have to be sad now.

No matter how hard you try to not think about it, every time when you laugh a lot when you are the happiest, you always have this thing in the back of your mind that, 'Abhi has raha hu, baadme rounga'. (I'm laughing a lot now, later on, I'm going to cry). In other words, just because there is happiness now, something bad will soon follow. We tend to forget that happiness and sadness follow each other, one cannot constantly just experience only one of the above feelings.

Now for the big question, what can one do to overcome or help themselves out of these really miserable symptoms? Let's see...

Solution #3

1). The first thing you can do is, take some time off and relax. It may not be possible for everyone but it is necessary to take some time off if you are experiencing any of the symptoms we are discussing today. Take a break. Do not stress yourself. Relax at home or go out somewhere. 

2). If you know someone who is suffering from any of these symptoms, give them a little gift, it can be as simple as a handwritten card. Tell them you have their backs, and they are worthy and deserve everything that the world has to offer. 

3). Make them feel accepted and don't judge them. Often people who are suffering from depression and especially the days when these symptoms are at work, mostly during festivities times, or at times when they are supposed to gift their loved one's something. People suffering from depression may tend to feel guilty for various reasons, such as:

a). Not being able to afford a gift. 

b). Think their gift is as worthless as they feel inside, so they feel embarrassed and then guilty of even choosing that particular gift.

c). Comparing the size of the gift with others and feeling guilty and embarrassed.

d). Being anxious to go out in public stores. So making a handmade gift and then feeling embarrassed thinking they might seem as misers.

Frankly, there can be many reasons but these are a few one's I could come up with. And gifting is one of the examples I gave, so you understand what goes through the mind of a person suffering from guilt in depression. 

4). You can always reach out to your parents, friends, anyone who you think is going to be supportive of you, if you don't trust anyone enough in your life to reach out to, you can always take help from a therapist. My blog isn't about telling you guys to go to the doctor very frankly, but there is nothing wrong with getting treatment.

 After years of suffering alone, some 4 to 5 years ago I told my dad, that I couldn't take it anymore and I would rather kill myself then keep living like this. He didn't know what depression was until then, he never knew mental health-related issues ever existed. Yet together we went to a psychiatrist. I knew I was suffering from depression but I never thought I would involve my father and my family in this. I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and Borderline personality disorder. All the things my father have never heard of or knew until that point. Also, I didn't think I needed medical help until that point in my life. Though I still suffer from all those conditions. The only reason I am still here, alive, is because of that one day and the courage I managed to gather that day to talk to my father instead of taking a drastic, life-endangering step. Yes, I wouldn't be here, trying to help you guys and try to make people aware of mental health-related issues if I hadn't gathered the courage that day to tell my Father that I was suffering.

And the only reason I shared this little backstory is because of the 4th solution I have suggested, it may seem quite vague to some people, and not everyone is ready to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Also, not a lot of people are ready to tell their family that they may be suffering from a mental disorder, thinking their parents or siblings may not understand. You won't know if they will support or not if you don't tell them. So before taking any drastic steps, just once gather some courage and try to talk.

5). Now this solution may also seem a little vague, but I'm just saying this from personal experience, as you know now, that guilt in people with depression can manifest their brains and make them self-loathe easily, Wear loose and comfortable clothes. Yes, you heard me right. Dress comfortably. You know I have actually sat in the window of a B.E.S.T Bus and contemplated over my life decisions just because of an uncomfortable top I was wearing. Yes, The guilt of wearing a particularly uncomfortable top, made me contemplate on my life's decisions. So wear comfortable clothes guys. 

6). Now, this may be quite a difficult thing to do for a few people. So let's just get with it.

    a). Make a list of things 'you think you did' are just unforgivable or things you regret or feel guilty about. Just try to write as many things as you can that make you feel guilty, helpless and worthless. 

     b). Now cross out all the things which are not in your control. For example, if being born is your regret and something you feel guilty about then dude, that is totally your parents doing, you are not at all at fault. I would have written something like this in the list, so just saying, if you too have, then please cross it out.

      c). Now you must have a list of things which are in your control.

      d). Having a list of things you can control means, you can change how things are. So now try to come up with solutions to the things you have in your list. 

      e). Lastly, one thing at a time, try to follow up on the solutions you came up with. One by one, Slowly steadily follow whatever solutions you came up with until your list is empty of those 'unforgivable things'. 

7). Talk to your own self like you would talk to your loved ones trying to identify why you did what you did and what is it you can do to overcome it. Try to talk in a foreign language or a second or third language you know and not in your mother tongue. Obviously, I don't know the science behind it, I'm just talking from personal experience. I don't know what is the logic behind it but every time I have talked to myself in some other language and not Marathi, which is my mother tongue. I have given myself such good advice and also cracked some really funny jokes. So try it, and let me know how it worked. 

8). Try to adopt a new pattern of doing things. If you used to do a certain thing a certain way, you can try doing that same thing a different way. But see that it doesn't exhaust you but make you happy. If it isn't making you happy go back doing what you use to until you find some other way of doing it. 

      I think this is it for today. I have been writing this for the past 6 hours now, maybe more. Living with a mental disorder is a really tough job. You are never resting or relaxing even when you physically are. I know and that is why I'm here, trying to help. If you have anything to say, you have the comments section, feel free, no one is going to judge you, I promise. Take care and be safe you guys.